Personal truths

Submit yours!


by Kerian

As I write this I am a 42 year old heterosexual single man. I have sensed
all my life that I was different from other men but it was only recently
that I became aware of why.

When I grew up I was an only child. I was taught no social skills by my
parents and had a very difficult time getting along with others. I became
extremely shy and withdrawn and developed a strong aversion to even
touching other people. I believe that I learned this from my parents
because they are not touchy type people. I remained in this state for many
years and had an extremely difficult time functioning as an adult. I never
dated, even though I was quite attracted to women because I had very
serious emotional problems related to my sexuality and sense of identity. I
spent a very lonely life.

About 1990 I got fed up with the situation since things were not getting
better as I was getting older, but worse, and decided to seek some
professional therapy. I had considered this before but my parents,
especially my mother opposed it. My mother is quite domineering and it
took me years to figure out how to deal with her. Now I just ignore her if
I don't like something and she no longer runs my life, although she still
tries. After about a year and a half of therapy my first therapist got me
past a lot of sexual hangups and I began to date. Unfortunately I did not
find the love of my life and within a year began to be frustrated again.
Since I wasn't landing an actual woman I decided to at least have a few
women's things around the house. I decided to mail order some lingerie
late in 1992. I really just bought the first few things to play with, but
I found I enjoyed wearing them. I had bought the things for erotic
purposes and quickly found they were an extremely poor substitute for a real
woman. While the lingerie was a failure as an erotic substitute I liked
the way the garments felt but was not really sure why. Although I had bought the
lingerie for erotic purposes and assumed for years that it had quite a bit of
erotic value, theyt actually has turned out to have very limited
erotic value for me.

Since I liked the garments I ordered some more lingerie and some
nightgowns. My favorite nightgowns quickly became the long sleeved satiny
Vanity Fair gowns. I enjoyed running my hands over the material, but the
touch thing still was not sinking in. Some of the lingerie I ordered was
Fredericks of Hollywood type stuff, which had some visual appeal but which
felt terrible to wear as the material was quite stiff and hard. I found
that the everyday lingerie which is designed and made to be worn by real
women on a daily basis felt much better. My favorite lingerie quickly
became women's body briefers or all in ones that fit snug against my torso
and hug me.

At the beginning of 1993 I had a new therapist. This man observed my
mannerisms and told my about the three primary sensory orientations that
people had, which are visual, auditory, and tactile. The vast majority of
people are visual, there are a lot fewer auditory people and not too many
people whose primary orientation is tactile. He said that most of the
tactile types were women and that women tend to have more emphasis on touch
than men do even when it is not there primary sense. This made sense
because I knew how soft and nice my lingerie felt, and it was made to be
worn by women. He told me that he thought I was primarily an auditor. I
still had a strong aversion to touch at that point which he probably
observed and I definitely am not a visual person. I tremendously enjoy
music and while I am a rather poor musician I am slowly learning about it.
While I can learn about music there is no way that anyone could teach me to
be an artist. I have a friend who is an artist and I don't have the
slightest idea of how he does what he does. I also remember that I was
always kind of lost in art class in school. I am quite intelligent but
never figured out how to do visual art because I am just not visual. I
accepted my conclusion that I was an auditory person since it made perfect
sense at the time.

In the fall of 1993 I began taking square dance lessons. I was hoping to
find a nice lady to date but I enjoyed square dancing enough that I kept at
it even after I discovered that I was not likely to find a young enough
woman to really date in square dancing. Square dancing is very touchy.
You have to hold hands with all of the other dancers. I had quite an
aversion to it at first but since everyone else was doing it I got to
accept it, and finally even enjoy it. I was also intrigued by the
beautiful petticoats the women wore, and while I thought in the back of my
mind that it might be fun to try one on sometime I did not know why I felt
that way and it was not a strong enough urge to get me to try it.

Along the way I found what I thought was the love of my life and tried to
marry her in 1996. She was a square dancer and seemed quite nice. While
she said yes at the altar she said no after that. After several months of
frustration she moved out and I had the marriage annulled. This really
crushed my male ego. I was pretty old (40) for a first marriage and wound
up with a woman who would not love me. I feel sorry for her because she
has serious emotional problems which are much worse than I ever had. I
stood by her long after I should have terminated the relationship but she
finally decided she would rather move out than get therapy. So I wound up
single again and felt really stupid for not having seen it coming. Well I
guess there is a reason they say love is blind...

Early in 1998 I became a Poufbunny almost by accident. I decided as a gag
to go to a square dance cross dressed. (See my first experiences). I was
hooked because I liked the way the outfit, and especially the petticoat
felt, and soon had purchased several outfits. I still really was not sure
what I liked about women's wear. At the same time I started getting
regular massages from a good friend of mine who is a nurse, a registered
massage therapist and also a square dancer. We had several discussions
about how I liked the massages and I told her that I really liked them. It
still had not sunk in that all of these things I liked were related to my
sense of touch. I dressed up in a women's square dance outfit for my
friend and she really got a kick out of seeing me dolled up. I got her to
twirl me several times and I realized that being twirled in a petticoat is
a very sensual (and I do not mean erotic) experience. I realized that the
women in square dancing were having far more fun with those petticoats that
they let on to us guys. The women friends that I questioned about how they
liked wearing petticoats all really liked the way the felt with the only
problem being that the combination of pantyhose, pettipants and a full
petticoat can be quite hot in the summer.

Over the next few weeks I slowly digested all of the years of experiences
that I had with the lingerie, square dancing, wearing a petticoat and
liking how it felt, as well as a few other experiences which I have not
gone into. I finally realized that my primary sense is touch. All of a
sudden everything made sense. While I had not felt really guilty about
wearing lingerie or a woman's square dance outfit before (although I felt
stupid for spending money on women's things which did not appear to have
any practical use) I suddenly felt much better about it because I
understood why all of these things were in my life. Women's lingerie and
the nice frilly square dance outfits do have a very practical use in my
life - they touch me and are equally nice to touch. It is amazing how much
can strive to meet our needs even when we don't know what they are. I have
been using various things to meet my need to be touched for several years
now withoug being cognizant of my deep need to touch and be touched.

Now I know that I have received a rare gift that very few men have. I have
observed how many of my women friends complain that there husbands or
boyfriends won't touch them or have an aversion to being touched. Knowing
that I am a toucher now has gone a long way to healing my male ego which
was seriously hurt by my failed marriage. As much as women enjoy touching
and being touched I know that the fact that I am a toucher should make me
quite attractive to a lot of women, where I have always felt unattractive
to women until now.

Whether I find my special someone or not I can still always look forward to
the times when I can put on my lingerie and a square dance outfit with a
nice full petticoat (I wear 80 yard ones and these are absolutely
impossible for me to ignore when I am in them). While I will have to admit
that dressing up does have a certain visual appeal (I have some absolutely
beautiful outfits) they mainly supply what I really need, which is a
symphony of touch.

If what I have said helps anyone else, whether a Poufbunny or not, awaken
their hidden need to touch and be touched then I am glad. It took me long
enough to find out who I am and I thank God for finally showing me. If you
have the gift of touch then be thankful that you have it and that you have
found it. It was given to you especially by God and should be treated with
the respect due to all of the good things God has given us.

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