Personal truths

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by Kerian

As I write this I am a 42 year old heterosexual single man. I have sensed all my life that I was different from other men, but it was only recently that I became aware of why.

When I grew up I was an only child. I was taught no social skills by my parents and had a very difficult time getting along with others. I became extremely shy and withdrawn and developed a strong aversion to even touching other people. I believe that I learned this from my parents because they are not touchy type people. I remained in this state for many years and had an extremely difficult time functioning as an adult. I never dated, even though I was quite attracted to women because I had very serious emotional problems related to my sexuality and sense of identity. I spent a very lonely life.

About 1990 I got fed up with the situation since things were not getting better as I was getting older, but worse, and decided to seek some professional therapy. I had considered this before but my parents, especially my mother opposed it. My mother is quite domineering and it took me years to figure out how to deal with her. Now I just ignore her if I don't like something and she no longer runs my life, although she still tries. After about a year and a half of therapy my first therapist got me past a lot of sexual hangups and I began to date. Unfortunately I did not find the love of my life and within a year began to be frustrated again. Since I wasn't landing an actual woman I decided to at least have a few women's things around the house. I decided to mail order some lingerie late in 1992. I really just bought the first few things to play with, but I found I enjoyed wearing them. I had bought the things for erotic purposes and quickly found they were an extremely poor substitute for a real woman. While the lingerie was a failure as an erotic substitute I liked the way the garments felt but was not really sure why. Although I had bought the lingerie for erotic purposes and assumed for years that it had quite a bit of erotic value, they actually haves turned out to have very limited erotic value for me.

Since I liked the garments I ordered some more lingerie and some nightgowns. My favorite nightgowns quickly became the long sleeved satiny Vanity Fair gowns. I enjoyed running my hands over the material, but the touch thing still was not sinking in. Some of the lingerie I ordered was Fredericks of Hollywood type stuff, which had some visual appeal but which felt terrible to wear as the material was quite stiff and hard. I found that the everyday lingerie which is designed and made to be worn by real women on a daily basis felt much better. My favorite lingerie quickly became women's body briefers or all in ones that fit snug against my torso and hug me.

At the beginning of 1993 I had a new therapist. This man observed my mannerisms and told my about the three primary sensory orientations that people had, which are visual, auditory, and tactile. The vast majority of people are visual, there are a lot fewer auditory people and not too many people whose primary orientation is tactile. He said that most of the tactile types were women and that women tend to have more emphasis on touch than men do even when it is not there primary sense. This made sense because I knew how soft and nice my lingerie felt, and it was made to be worn by women. He told me that he thought I was primarily an auditor. I still had a strong aversion to touch at that point which he probably observed and I definitely am not a visual person. I tremendously enjoy music and while I am a rather poor musician I am slowly learning about it. While I can learn about music there is no way that anyone could teach me to be an artist. I have a friend who is an artist and I don't have the slightest idea of how he does what he does. I also remember that I was always kind of lost in art class in school. I am quite intelligent but never figured out how to do visual art because I am just not visual. I accepted my conclusion that I was an auditory person since it made perfect sense at the time.

In the fall of 1993 I began taking square dance lessons. I was hoping to find a nice lady to date but I enjoyed square dancing enough that I kept at it even after I discovered that I was not likely to find a young enough woman to really date in square dancing. Square dancing is very touchy. You have to hold hands with all of the other dancers. I had quite an aversion to it at first, but since everyone else was doing it, I got to accept it, and finally even enjoy it. I was also intrigued by the beautiful petticoats the women wore, and while I thought in the back of my mind that it might be fun to try one on sometime I did not know why I felt that way and it was not a strong enough urge to get me to try it.

Along the way, I found what I thought was the love of my life and tried to marry her in 1996. She was a square dancer and seemed quite nice. While she said yes at the altar she said no after that. After several months of frustration she moved out and I had the marriage annulled. This really crushed my male ego. I was pretty old (40) for a first marriage and wound up with a woman who would not love me. I feel sorry for her because she has serious emotional problems which are much worse than I ever had. I stood by her long after I should have terminated the relationship but she finally decided she would rather move out than get therapy. So I wound up single again and felt really stupid for not having seen it coming. Well I guess there is a reason they say love is blind...

Early in 1998 I became a Poufbunny almost by accident. I decided as a gag to go to a square dance cross dressed. (See my First Experiences). I was hooked because I liked the way the outfit, and especially the petticoat, felt, and soon had purchased several outfits. I still really was not sure what I liked about women's wear. At the same time I started getting regular massages from a good friend of mine who is a nurse, a registered massage therapist and also a square dancer. We had several discussions about how I liked the massages and I told her that I really liked them. It still had not sunk in that all of these things I liked were related to my sense of touch. I dressed up in a women's square dance outfit for my friend and she really got a kick out of seeing me dolled up. I got her to twirl me several times and I realized that being twirled in a petticoat is a very sensual (and I do not mean erotic) experience. I realized that the women in square dancing were having far more fun with those petticoats that they let on to us guys. The women friends that I questioned about how they liked wearing petticoats all really liked the way the felt with the only problem being that the combination of pantyhose, pettipants and a full petticoat can be quite hot in the summer.

Over the next few weeks I slowly digested all of the years of experiences that I had with the lingerie, square dancing, wearing a petticoat and liking how it felt, as well as a few other experiences which I have not gone into. I finally realized that my primary sense is touch. All of a sudden everything made sense. While I had not felt really guilty about wearing lingerie or a woman's square dance outfit before (although I felt stupid for spending money on women's things which did not appear to have any practical use) I suddenly felt much better about it because I understood why all of these things were in my life. Women's lingerie and the nice frilly square dance outfits do have a very practical use in my life - they touch me and are equally nice to touch. It is amazing how much can strive to meet our needs even when we don't know what they are. I have been using various things to meet my need to be touched for several years now without being cognizant of my deep need to touch and be touched.

Now I know that I have received a rare gift that very few men have. I have observed how many of my women friends complain that there husbands or boyfriends won't touch them or have an aversion to being touched. Knowing that I am a toucher now has gone a long way to healing my male ego which was seriously hurt by my failed marriage. As much as women enjoy touching and being touched I know that the fact that I am a toucher should make me quite attractive to a lot of women, where I have always felt unattractive to women until now.

Whether I find my special someone or not I can still always look forward to the times when I can put on my lingerie and a square dance outfit with a nice full petticoat (I wear 80 yard ones and these are absolutely impossible for me to ignore when I am in them). While I will have to admit that dressing up does have a certain visual appeal (I have some absolutely beautiful outfits) they mainly supply what I really need, which is a symphony of touch.

If what I have said helps anyone else, whether a Poufbunny or not, awaken their hidden need to touch and be touched then I am glad. It took me long enough to find out who I am and I thank God for finally showing me. If you have the gift of touch then be thankful that you have it and that you have found it. It was given to you especially by God and should be treated with the respect due to all of the good things God has given us.

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